Running Ahead

Today I did it again…I ran ahead of God. Attempting to solve a situation I thought was urgent, I jumped in and tried to fix it by myself. Now I sit here in a bigger mess than before. As I ran, I brought with me anxiety and fear because I didn’t stop long enough to lay them down at the foot of the cross. I didn’t go first to my Counselor and seek His godly advice; instead I leaned on my own understanding. I ran out ahead and now I find myself sitting here alone.

I’ve been here before, so I recognize where I am. I am in that place I always end up when my navigator is “self.” It is lonely here, and humbling, and the only wise thing to do is stop and drop to my knees, where I should have began in the first place. Now, not only do I need to give this thing to God, but I am giving it to Him with my guilty fingerprints all over it; my sad attempt to fix it.

I feel emotionally exhausted from the run, yet at rest in His presence. He takes this thing from me in exchange for His peace. As I kneel here before Him, I am amazed that I would ever even contemplate running ahead. Then I realize that perhaps in the midst of this situation, He has a lesson for me to learn that overshadows all the things in my life that need fixing. As I kneel here on my knees, I realize that in this position it is impossible to run. Not just hard, but impossible! Try it, it can’t be done! On my knees I am literally choosing to cripple “self” and humbly wait on Him.

It wasn’t long after I gave the thing over to Him that it was resolved. Just like that! He took it from me and fixed it. Leaving me wondering why I was fretting over it in the first place-and why I ran. It seems so small now in comparison to who He is. That is all He left me with…no worry, no guilt; just the reminder that He is bigger than any “thing” in my life.

The next time I feel the desire to jump-the-gun and run ahead, I hope I will find myself unable to do so because it hurts my knees! I have heard it said that the shortest distance between two points is - action. Perhaps there are times when this is true and appropriate, but I have learned as of late, that the shortest distance between two points is a prayer – for God is already there!

Just As I Am
By Charlotte Elliott/William B. Bradbury

Just as I am, without one plea, But that Thy blood was shed for me,
And that Thou bidd’st me come to Thee, O Lamb of God, I come! I come!

Just as I am, tho tossed about, With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without, O Lamb of God, I come! I come!

Remembering His Faithfulness

When I write about the past, it is usually because there is something in the present that is bothering me. A situation I need to trust God in or remember His past faithfulness. It often involves my boys because they have been a huge part of my life, and making it to the end of raising five boys takes a lot of trusting and depending on God.

I’m one of those moms who tend to worry about everything – especially things I cannot see, like what goes on in a boy’s head or heart. Though I know very well Christians aren’t supposed to worry (be anxious for nothing…), I am constantly having to give this over to God. Remembering His faithfulness in the past has been a big help to me. So I am often found traveling down Memory’s Lane in search of examples of God’s hand on our lives, then I write about them.

These poems or stories become to me like monuments erected on page, as demonstrations of His power and presence in the lives of those I trusted in His care. So many years have passed but He has not changed. He has remained faithful, steadfast, and true.

When my boys make decisions that cause the “mother’s heart” in me to cringe, I can know that God is as much in control of their lives now as He was when they were toddlers. You might find me sitting on the couch with a photo album in my hand, thumbing through the pictures with tears rolling down my face, but don’t be alarmed. With every turn of the page I am finding His handprints of faithfulness there, reminding me He has covered each album, each child, each day, with His mercy and Grace.

“Great is Thy Faithfulness”
By Thomas O. Chisholm

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided-
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!

Dancing the Victory Dance

Those who know me well know I cannot dance. Not because I don’t want to, but because I have two left feet, and I don’t know what a beat is, let alone how to keep it. Yet today I went into my front yard, in the middle of the driveway and did a victory dance. There is no question whether I looked like a fool or not, I am sure I did, but I did not care. I danced, and it felt good! I danced and I sang out there in front of God…and the dog. The reason I danced is because today became a historical moment in my marriage.

There has been a thorn in my flesh and my husband has had the power to remove it, but would not… until today. The thorn was big and it was ugly, and it was parked in the driveway, right where it had died four years ago. To my husband it had almost become invisible. I think he may have even seen through it as he passed by it each day to enter the house, occupied with other things on his mind. Not me, I could no longer bring myself to park in the front of the house because I would have to look at it, so I began parking in the back.

It became a sore spot between me and my husband. We didn’t agree on what to do with it, so nothing was done with it. It just sat there year after year melting in the hot sun, paint cracking, and tires deflating. It took its place in all our Easter pictures, though I tried to angle the camera in a way to keep it out. My grandchildren didn’t understand the concept, and they thought it looked like a good place to hide eggs.

I started feeling like one of the characters in a red-neck joke and it wasn’t very funny. I wanted it out of my life and gone! I was upset with my husband for not making it so. What was he waiting for, decomposition? I began harboring a grudge over this silly green van. Perhaps that is exactly why it would not leave.

God has a way of knowing how to uncover the worst in us. Things we may not even know we are hiding come creeping out of our hearts. The van wasn’t the ugliest thing parked at my house, my attitude was. I had an attitude of pride and I was letting it come between me and my husband’s relationship. I was embarrassed and worried about what other people thought of me more than I was concerned about loving my husband.

One day he just said to me, “OK, get rid of it.” I was shocked! “Are you serious?” I couldn’t believe after all this time he finally agreed to have the van removed. This year we have been married 25 years. Had I finally worn him out? I began feeling a little guilty. Victory didn’t taste as sweet as I thought it would. So what did I do? Absolutely nothing; I did nothing for several days.

I did nothing until he asked me why I hadn’t done anything. That gave me the opportunity to find out if he was really OK with me getting rid of the van, and he was. I think while God was working on my prideful heart, he was working on my husband’s bend toward procrastination, and in the end we both learned some things. We also found out that we would still love each other whether the van left or was buried with us at the end of our lives.

Today it was time for the van to leave. It was kind of sad watching it be cabled up onto a tow truck, all four tires flat. The wheels moaned as they rolled backwards. While I looked at it, I realized how much we had worn it out with all our school field trips and vacations. Its seats hold the memories of my little boys bottoms; never sitting still. There is a soda stain on the floor in the very back, and coffee spilled up front; christened on our many drives together.

For a moment I hesitated to let it go for fear all the wonderful memories of days gone by would leave with it. Before I realized what I was doing, I started waving good bye as though it was an old friend I was going to miss. I watched the tow truck drive away and the green van disappear from view and that was about how long it took me to snap out of it!

It felt good to stand in the driveway, unobstructed; physically and spiritually reclaiming the space. The words to a hymn came bubbling up into my mind and before I knew it I was singing, “There is victory in Jesus!” The old van had taught its lessons and was now gone, with it went the heaviness of disagreements and grudges. My heart was light and I was ready to let the dancing begin!